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The Word - Don't Ask Don't Tell
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Transcript from humorist Stephen's Colbert "The Word" on The Colbert Report, Monday, 27 October 2009.

Nation: I don't like Washington state. First off, they're putting us all in danger by trying to pop space with that giant needle. And now just look at what their governor did.

(K5 news video featuring Governor Christine Gregoire on May 18)

Surrounded by same-sex couples and their families, the governor signed a bill today which guarantees them everything but marriage.

"And today we complete, we complete the rights and responsibilities for domestic partners so they mirror those granted to heterosexual couples couples under the civil marriage laws of our state."

Yeah, they call it "everything but marriage," but I say if it looks like a duck, and files a joint tax return like a duck, and gets to visit its duck partner in a duck hospital, you might as well register at the Duck Pottery Barn because it is gay duck marriage. And we know, folks: We know that there are gay ducks!

Well, thankfully a group called Protect Marriage Washington led a petition drive that put a referendum on the ballot to overturn "everything but marriage," and they backed it up with some chilling ads:

(excerpt of October 16 video from Protect Marriage Washington)

In May of 2004, gay marriage was legalized in Scandinavia. What happened? Did you know that year year alone suicide rates doubled, the illegal drug rate increased nineteen times.

Terrifying.

And that ad is no less terrifying just because there is no country called Scandinavia, none of the countries in Scandinavia passed gay marriage laws in 2004, and the statistics on suicide and drug use are just made up. I say it just proves the terrible toll gay marriage has on fact checking.

Well of course the GAYstapo has now asked the state of Washington to disclose the names of everyone who signed the petition. But the conservative group that organized it wants to keep the names secret. I assume they'll just hide the list in a place where gays would never look, like J. C. Penney's.

This week the United States Supreme Court stopped the release of the petitioner's names. But it is only a temporary reprieve folks, and it brings us to tonight's Word. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

Folks: This case involves Americans' most precious right, the freedom of speech. Now, sure, this petition affects legislation, is part of the public record, and the law says that voters have the right to know who signed it. But the lawyer for Protect Marriage Washington, Jame's Bopp says that:

The first amendment protects citizens from government compelled disclosure of their identity when they are engaged in political speech.

Exactly! Signing a petition is a sacred trust between you and a stranger at a folding table outside the mall. Just imagine what would happen if those names were released. I'll let a man with a strange name explain.

(Komo 4 television sound bite showing an "Eddie Spaghetti")

Who knows where these digital copies or personal identifiers could end up. They could end up in China.

God knows what what could happen if our names ended up in China. Folks: This is a terrible invasion of the petitioners' privacy. If those names were released, we would all to know the signer's sexual orientation orientation, by which I mean their orientation about other peoples' sexual orientation. And that's a very personal thing.

Now some say, some say: "Hey. Too bad. They chose to sign that petition." But folks, I don't think it is a choice. I believe you're born thinking gays don't have the right to get married. Or even be joined in union. And folks, the gays have no right to out those people.

Now, my personal sexual orientation orientation is a matter of public record. I've said countless times that I don't believe gays should be allowed to marry. Or get driver's licenses. Or join the Subway "Sub Club." But some of these petition signers may have open-minded parents who are not ready to accept that their child is intolerant. They also may not be ready to tell their co-workers that their friend Philip isn't just a "roommate" but a very special someone who helps them make up facts about Scandinavia.

Folks: We need to protect this persecuting minority. And the only way I can see to do that is for Washington residents to vote in favor of gay domestic partnerships, because then no one will care who signed this petition. And these people can stay in the closet that the gay people have abandoned.

And that's "The Word." We'll be right back.